The hand that first held mine
by YouOnlyKnowWhatIWantYouTo
Summary: This focuses on how Jax and Tara rely on each others support to get them through the bad times. Enjoy x
1. Chapter 1

Hi guys. So far I've only published one shots because I've not really had the time to dedicate myself to an on going story. However, I've written this short story which will probably consist of 4-5 chapters and it focuses on how Jax and Tara have supported each other through the deaths of some of their loved ones. I think this first chapter is probably the weakest one but please review and let me know what you think!

P.S Thanks for all your amazing reviews on my other stories. You've put a smile on my face with every one of them xx

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything related to Sons of Anarchy (that includes Charlie Hunnam, unfortunately)

Enjoy!

11th April 1990

Thomas Wayne Teller had been born on a Sunday and as the poem goes he was he was bonny and blithe. His happy demeanour, even at such a tender age, allowed even the most cold hearted men to crack a smile. He was innocent and pure but quieter than his elder brother, who adored him. His mother always told him that his killer smile would charm every girl in California, just like his big brothers could.

It was ironic then that Thomas died on a Wednesday, the day of woe. His funeral fell on a Wednesday too and Jax remembered how ill-fitting it was to bury his baby brother on that day. Woe wasn't a word that he associated with Thomas.

As he stood at his brother's graveside Jax remembered Thomas' infectious giggle. He had been a care free little boy and there were times when they both forgot how sick he was. Gemma wrapped him in cotton wool, rarely letting him out of his sight. JT had come to accept that Thomas would never sit at SAMCRO's table, his health wouldn't allow it, and he had high hopes that Thomas would be the academic of the family. Jax was the only person that allowed Thomas to forget about his heart condition and this allowed Thomas to revel in the company of his big brother, who he idolised.

Then his heart beat slowed one evening, causing him to double over in pain, forcing him to stop chasing Jax and Opie in the Teller garden. Feeling faint he fell to his knees, where Jax caught his brothers failing body and the elder boy screamed for his father. He held his baby brother's hand as he struggled for breath.

He died at St Thomas' three hours later. He was six.

And now Jax stared down at his brother's grave, watching the coffin being lowered into the ground. Through his tears he noticed how small the white coffin looked as it was swallowed up by the earth and he was once again reminded of how young his brother was, how unfair it was that he had been taken from him.

Prayers were said and readings were delivered by members of the club. Gemma's sobs quietened down and he bitterly noticed how she held on to Clay, and not her father, throughout the ceremony. He glanced at JT, who seemed oblivious to his mother's betrayal, and who stared down at his youngest boy's grave. Closing his eyes JT said his silent goodbye and, after a few moments, he looked across at Jax ''Time to go son''

It was then that Jax noticed how the majority of people had moved away from the graveside. Some had grouped together, respectfully lowering their voices to talk about the precious blonde haired blue eyed boy that had been taken from them so soon. Some were getting into their cars, eager to get to the clubhouse to down their favourite tipple to honour the youngster. _Time to get wasted and forget about him,_ Jax thought bitterly.

''I don't want to go. I want to stay here'' Jax replied, tears threatening to spill.

Pulling away from Clay Gemma looked across at JT and the heart broken pair shared a look, acknowledging how inconsolable their first born was. Gemma quietly reminded him ''Baby, we have to go''

Jax shook his head, his eyes never moving from the grave. It was then that he heard a voice behind him.

''It's ok Mr and Mrs Teller. I can stay with Jax for a while. When he's ready we'll walk over to the clubhouse together''

Jax turned his head to see Tara Knowles standing next to his mother. He remembered that he was in a class with her school, not that he had ever really paid any attention to her. Jax still preferred the company of boys and wouldn't be seen dead with any girls, although his father had informed him that the day would soon come when he would have a change of heart.

_Why is she here?_ He thought. Jax then remembered that Tara's mom had been pretty proactive in raising money for their high school throughout the years. Before her passing, three years prior, Catherine Knowles had struck up and unlikely friendship with Gemma meaning that Tara had spent some time at Jax's house as kids. Eddie Knowles, Tara's dad, had taken Catherine's death hard and Jax could remember overhearing a conversation between his mom and dad about how they hardly ever saw the Knowles' anymore because Eddie was constantly in a drunken stupor. Jax had hardly seen Tara in the last three years, other than in their History class, which he barely ever attended.

Gemma smiled kindly down at the young girl, who for her twelve years seemed very mature. She reached down and cupped the side of the pretty girls face ''Ok sweetie. Thank you''

Reluctantly his parents moved away from the graveside, leaving only Jax and Tara.

''Are you ok?'' Tara asked timidly.

It took Jax a few moments to reply, not wanting to cry in front of a girl. ''I don't want to leave him. He doesn't like being alone''

Tara nodded. She had felt that way when she had stood next to her mother's grave, barely three years ago, hoping that if she stayed there long enough that Catherine would come back to life. A stupid thought in hindsight as she had stood there for nearly four hours, until her grieving father carried her away, telling her that her mommy couldn't come back.

''I'll wait with you'' and she closed the gap between them, standing to his right, and took hold of his hand, squeezing it and acknowledging his pain. Jax looked across at her, now not being able to stop the tears that ran down his cheeks, and realised how alien it felt to hold her warm hand in his own. Alien and yet there was something strangely comforting about it. They shared a sad smile as their hands entwined.

Hers was the hand that first held his.


	2. Yet another conquest

Hi guys. This chapter, along with the following two, takes place just prior to season one.

This chapter focuses more on Jax but I promise that they will both feature together in the next chapter.

Thanks for your reviews and PM's, they're much appreciated.

26th June 2008

Jax woke from his slumber, stretching his lean body out on his bed. It was then that he noticed the weight on the left side of the mattress and looked across to see the back of a brunettes head.

Seeing this girl's dark hair allowed him to remember back to yesterday. He had seen Tara for the first time in eleven years and a smile crept onto Jax's face as he recalled her dumb struck stare which had eventually turned into a dazzling smile. He felt his crotch start to react to the memory of her biting her lip, trying to stop a nervous giggle escape her lips at seeing him again. He remembered that she had mentioned that she was back in Charming for good after accepting a position at St Thomas'. She just had to deal with her dad's funeral.

Shit. Jax looked across at the alarm clock, 8.52 am. Tara was burying her father today. He leapt out of bed and hastily made his way to the adjoining bathroom, leaving last night's conquest to recover.

After his shower he walked back into the clubs bedroom, a white towel tied around his waist and water dripping from his shoulder length hair. He looked across at the croweater in his bed. What the hell was her name? He racked his brain for a minute or two but her name wouldn't come to him. So he gently shook her awake.

'Darlin'?'

The brunette stirred and her tired eyes fluttered open. Looking into her green eyes he realised now why he had he had chosen her, above the other eager crow eaters, to grace his bed. With her dark hair, green eyes and slim body she resembled Tara. Not nearly as beautiful, but it made it easier for him to picture Tara's face as he thrust into her last night. Jax thought that he could remember calling out Tara's name as he released himself inside her.

This was a stranger who now seductively smiled up at him. Her voice heavy with sleep 'Morning, Prince'

He hated when they called him that, like they had some claim on him now that they'd been so intimate. The truth was that once Jax used a girl he very rarely revisited. This poor girl, her eyes filled with hope, was about to get her dreams shattered. He almost felt sorry for her.

''Morning. Look darlin' I've got to be somewhere, it's really important so I've gotta split. The bathrooms through there, your clothes are…..''

Jax looked around the room, seeing her panties and bra but not much else in terms of her clothing. He had a horrible feeling that he had started to undress her in the corridor outside. Or maybe in the bar itself. Shit.

'Er, well your clothes are….pretty much everywhere. The kitchens down the hall on your right, for when you leave. Grab a coffee or something''

Jax shrugged on his jeans and reached inside a drawer for a clean t-shirt. He decided against the Kutte, not thinking that Tara would appreciate a visual reminder of the club today.

The young girl smiled over at him and he realised how wrong he was. She looked nothing like Tara.

''Maybe I'll see you later?'' She asked doe eyed.

Jax stuffed his wallet and keys into his jeans. ''I don't think so…..'' He looked at her for clarification on her name.

''Rachel''

''Rachel, right. Look I don't think so but this has been ….fun'' He gave one last Teller smile as a parting gift and walked towards the door.

And with that he left her, closing the door on yet another conquest.


	3. An unexpected visitor

**Hello again. Over the next day or two I will be posting the last few chapters (I'm off on holiday so I won't be able to write for the next three weeks – what am I going to do?!) Anyway, I wanted to post them before I jet off, so I don't leave you guys hanging.**

**The next two chapters focus on a newly reunited Jax & Tara. They're probably going to show a softer side to Jax (one we don't always get to see) but I figured is he's going to be a bit mushy then it will be with Tara.**

**Thanks for all of the lovely reviews and the time you take to post them. They put a smile on my face xx**

**I will be posting a longer story when I get back (hopefully after I've tanned my English rose complexion) **

Reaching across to her bed side table Tara looked at the time. 9.37a.m. Christ, she thought and berated herself for oversleeping on today of all days. She had meant to fix the alarm on that clock days ago but with the funeral and moving back she hadn't got round to it.

She stumbled out of her bed, shrugging on a thin satin robe to cover her practically naked body.

As she made her way to the bathroom she heard knocking at the front door. She cursed, what time had she told the undertaker? She hastily made her way to the door, trying to avoid the numerous boxes that she had packed full of her dad's belongings that would soon make their way to the local charity shop.

She opened the door wide and as she did the tie of her robe became loose, exposing her naked thighs to the visitor at her door.

Jax stood in the doorway, his eyes making their way down her body to her long naked legs. He discovered, somewhat disappointingly, that she wasn't naked, with panties and a small t shirt covering her modesty.

''Good morning to you too Knowles. Is this how you welcome all your guests?'' his cheeky smile tugged his lips.

Tara was flustered and quickly covered herself up, knotting the satin tie tighter across her thin waist.

'Jax, morning. What, er… what are you doing here?'' She felt even more naked without the little make up that she usually wore. That goddamn alarm clock.

Jax stepped across the threshold, walking into her living room ''I figured you might need some help. Funerals are more hassle than they're worth''

He looked across at her and realised that he had probably got her up. ''I was going to come in through your bedroom window like I did when we were kids but I didn't think you'd like the intrusion, so I figured that the front door was the safest option''

Tara looked at him in confusion, casting her mind back to yesterday's reunion with him. She had mentioned her father's funeral but she didn't think that she had invited him. She knew that there was no love lost between Jax and her dad, so she didn't think he'd want to go.

Jax looked around the living room, noting all of the boxes that were stacked in every available place. ''You been busy Knowles?''

Tara looked around the room and instantly felt embarrassed. The place looked like a mess. She had been busy packing all of her dads shit that she hadn't really thought about how the place would look to an outsider. And she hadn't counted on having visitors. ''It's some of my dad's stuff. Most of it is going to charity, some of the more sentimental stuff is going into storage. It's a complete mess but I didn't think anyone would come round''

Jax noticed how embarrassed she looked and felt guilty that he had brought it up. ''It's alright. You should see the state of my place. Gemma shits a brick every time she comes near the dorm, she's convinced that I make it untidy deliberately just to wind her up'' Jax shrugged and smiled ''Maybe there's some truth in it''

Tara laughed, feeling more at ease. She remembered how OCD Gemma was about cleanliness. It would seem that some things never change. Jax continued into the kitchen where he placed down the brown bag that he was carrying.

''So, I got eggs, bacon, bread and milk. I bought some coffee too, in case you didn't have any. I remember how grumpy you get in the morning without it''

Tara followed him and watched as he started to take the items out of the bag. In her rush she had forgotten to do any food shopping and her cupboards were looking sparse to say the least.

Jax looked across at her. ''What time is the funeral?''

Tara snapped out of her thoughts, bringing her hands up to her face and wiping her sleepy eyes ''It's at 12.30 at St Judes''

Jax nodded ''Ok. So you go in the shower and get dressed while I get started on breakfast''

Tara looked at him as if he had three heads; this wasn't the Jax Teller that she knew. ''Jax, you can't cook. You don't know how to''

Jax smiled across at her, her gobsmacked face making him laugh some more ''I'm a different man, sweetheart. I also know how to hoover.…..on occasion''

Tara giggled, the stress of the day momentarily forgotten. ''Wow, Jax Teller, domestic goddess''

And with that she went to get ready for the day ahead.


	4. I'm not gonna bail

**So here's the penultimate chapter! **

**Thanks again for the notes, hopefully this won't disappoint! **

**P.S Just for you elbeewoods I'm posting the last chapter straight away, so that you can read one after the other – I know how disappointed you've been just reading one at a time, which is a lovely compliment. Hope you enjoy xx**

When Tara emerged from her bedroom, dressed in a tailored black trouser suit and navy blouse, the smell of bacon and coffee hit her as she approached the kitchen. Her belly grumbled in anticipation for the food that was being prepared for her. She was silent as she leant against the door frame and watched Jax make the finishing touches to the meal. It felt so out of character for him to do that and yet she loved him for it, that he would take time out of his day to help her. And it was strange to have him back in this house, under this roof where they had shared so many tender moments, where she had lost her virginity to him many years ago.

As her mind recalled some of those memories he turned around to see her and smiled at her. ''Coffee, Knowles?''

She smiled back and nodded, acknowledging the nickname that he had given her as a six year old. He had refused to called her Tara, it was to girly and he had once explained that if he called her Knowles then it made her one of the boys. And at six she had liked to be called Knowles, wanting to be accepted by Jax and Opie. At sixteen she had been promoted 'Darlin' but when Tara informed Jax that it was a nickname that he had given all of his former flames he decided that 'babe' was a more suitable endearment. Now that she was no longer his girlfriend it seemed logical that he had reverted back to Knowles, even if the fact that he didn't call he babe anymore made her more than a little disappointed.

She sat down at the kitchen table where he brought over a mug and the coffee pot, filling the cup and then reaching for the sugar on the table he put in two sugars ''You still have it that way, right?''

Tara nodded in reply, surprised that he would remember such an unimportant detail. He then placed the toast, bacon and eggs on the table in front of her with a smug look on his face ''Bon appetit''

She smirked and shook her head, not being able to understand this change in him. Why was he doing this? She watched as he tucked in to his breakfast, ignoring her own hunger for a few moments more. ''Jax, why are you doing this?''

He looked across the table at her, his mouth still chewing his food and reached for his coffee. ''You know why Tara'' he gulped down some of the scolding liquid.

See raised her eyebrows at him, a sign that she needed more clarification. He swallowed his food and continued ''You did the same for me all those years ago when Thomas died. I needed someone. My dad was distant, Gemma had Clay, Thomas was gone. You stood by my side for hours with me on the day of his funeral. You did the same when my dad died. Who's going to stand by your side when you bury your dad today?''

Tara momentarily looked away. There was no one. Her cousin in San Diego was sick and couldn't attend, her mother was dead. At best there may be a few of Eddie's work mates or drinking buddies but no one she felt connected to. She had no one to stand next her.

''I didn't do that so you could repay the favour Jax. I did it because I understood what the grief of losing someone you love was like''

''I know. But if you think that I'm gonna let you stand by your dad's graveside alone then you're mistaken. Even after all the shit we've been through Tara, I'm not gonna bail on you today''

Her eyes stung with tears. After all this time, after a heart breaking eleven years, he would still stand by her side when she needed him the most. And that was why she had loved him for so long, because she knew he would. That no matter what life threw at them they would stand side by side and conquer it.

Jax saw the tears and took them as a silent thanks. He smiled ''Now eat up. It going to be a long day and we could be standing for some time''

She smiled and wiped away a stray tear that ran down her face. ''Thank you Jax'' she whispered and picked up the cutlery in order to cut through her food.

He nodded and watched as she started to wolf down the breakfast she had made, she was clearly ravenous. Her smile and nods indicated that he had done a good job and as he watched her he realised how blessed he was to have her back. He knew they weren't a couple, there were way too many complications at the moment for that to be a consideration, but just to have her sitting at the same table as him after all this time made him feel as if he had found the missing piece to the puzzle.

He slugged down some more coffee ''And Knowles…''

She looked up from her food, her mouth still busy from the breakfast he had cooked her.

''This may not be the most appropriate moment to say this but, did I tell you that you look incredibly hot?'' and again she was witness to his dazzling trademark smile.

She started to laugh, his words and presence making her feel easier by the second. It was typical of Jax to make his move during such a momentous day ''No, but thank you''

Tara suddenly felt as if she could get through today. But only because Jackson Teller would stand by her side.


	5. He took my sorrow and he took my pain

Hi guys. Here's the last chapter – especially for elbeewoods xx

Thanks for all your kind reviews and PM's. You've all been really encouraging xx

**_Disclaimer: I don't own anything relating to the show or the song lyrics that feature at the start of the chapter (which I may have changed slightly-sorry!)_**

_This is how the story went_

_I met someone by accident_

_Who blew me away_

_He blew me away_

_And it was in the darkest of my days_

_When he took my sorrow and he took my pain_

_And buried them away_

_He buried them away_

**Hiding my heart- Adele**

"Thanks for being here man. A show of support is what she needed''

Opie shrugged. Jax's thanks weren't needed. Even though he hadn't seen Tara for over a decade Jax knew Opie wouldn't let her down, his loyalty wouldn't allow it. He had welcomed her back just minutes ago, hugging her slender body as if she was his returning sister.

''It's no problem bro. It's good to see her back'' Jax nodded at his best friends words. It most certainly was good to see her back in Charming. They both looked across at the graveside, where Tara was talking to a few of her father's co-workers. Opie glanced at Jax and noted the loving look he had in his eyes as he looked at Tara ''I guess you two have some shit to sort out, huh?''

Jas snorted, stuffing his hands in his pockets ''Just a little bit''

"Does she know about Wendy and the baby yet?"

Jax started to kick at the dirt under his feet, dirtying his white sneakers. He had tried to keep thoughts of Wendy and the kid out of his mind, not wanting to spoil his time with Tara. He knew he had to tell her he had married someone else, not that the marriage had meant shit. But that was a conversation for another day. Today was about Tara, not about his burdens.

Jax shrugged, staring down at the dusty ground "No, not yet"

Opie thought as much. He knew what Jax was doing, knew that he was savouring having Tara to himself before sullying her to the idea that he had married Wendy and was expecting a kid with her. The one thing Jax could be thankful for was that the divorce would come through soon, not that that will be much comfort to Tara, Opie thought.

"Well bro, be sure to give me the heads up when that shit storm is revealed" Opie joked.

Opie slapped his brother on the back, silently congratulating him on the return of the woman that he had loved and lost so many years ago. ''I got to go man. My shift starts in an hour''

The two men shared a hug, cementing a bond that could not be broken and Jax watched as Opie left to start his shift at the lumber yard.

Jax slowly walked up to Tara who was now talking to some of the men at her father's graveside and gave her a few moments as they gave their condolences and said their goodbyes. Jax nodded his thanks as they nervously glanced over at him, all too aware of Jax's status around Charming.

He looked across at Tara who stood at her father's graveside, her eyes closed as if in silent prayer. He cautiously walked up to her so that he could stand by her side but he didn't want to disturb her silent thoughts. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and stared down at the earth that was now mounded on top of Eddie Knowles' coffin.

''You two didn't really see eye to eye, did you?'' Tara's words startled Jax and he looked across at her, her eyes lowered to also look at the ground that her father was now laid to rest in.

It was true, Jax never regarded Eddie Knowles with the greatest of esteem, knowing that he paid more attention to where his next drink would come from rather than his own daughter. When Tara had moved to San Diego it had taken Eddie four days to realise that she had moved out. But the feeling was mutual; Eddie always made it known that Jax wasn't good enough for his only child, that he would drag Tara to the gutter that he had been brought up in.

But Tara didn't need to relive his shit today and so Jax hunched his shoulders ''I guess we just clashed on the one thing we both loved the most. He was protecting you Tara. Christ, if I ever have a daughter I would never want her to go out with a piece of shit like me either''

Tara appreciated the sentiment, knew that Jax was just trying to smooth over the past to ease her grief. ''You're not a piece of shit Jax. Look at everything you've done, just today for example. You didn't need to do that but you did because that's who you are. And you're a good man Jackson Teller''

Jax looked ahead, straight into the distance, anywhere other than at Tara. This is why he had fallen for her all those years ago. It was because she saw something other than the kutte that adorned his back, she saw something better. She saw past the good looks and bold smile, she saw his good intentions and pure heart. Her words touched him, she saw the man that he wanted to be, that he tried every day to desperately be like.

He reached out and grabbed her small hand, a hand that delved into the chests of her patients to touch and heal their weak hearts. And it seemed that in this moment, without the operating theatre or medical equipment that she would normally use, that that was exactly what she had just done to him. Touched his weak heart with just her words. His cold hand encompassed hers. His hand that had choked the life away from men, the hand that had clenched and struck so many of his enemies faces. His fingers that now entwined with hers had pulled the trigger on too many guns, an action that had ended lives. These were the things that she couldn't see, that he would desperately shelter her from seeing in case they turned her love for him into hate. He brought her hand up to his mouth and, closing his eyes, his soft lips kissed her delicate porcelain skin.

They stood in silence for a few moments, their hands still entwined, each lost in their own memories of her father, of the past that they had shared. After some time Tara turned to Jax, who was patiently waiting in silence to say her final goodbye.

''The past is dead. It's time to move on'' And she held his hand tighter, tugging him away from the grave side, and walking towards a future that she hoped they would share together, knowing that his was a hand that would always hold hers.

**Hope you enjoyed it guys xx**


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